I didn’t choose to be where I am now. And that’s something many people (including myself at times) don’t understand. Yes, life is full of choices, you have to decide which path you are going to take but after about 20 years of people telling me “you can be whatever you want to be” I realized I should stop believing them. It wasn’t that I didn’t think I could be a marine biologist or a music producer, It wasn’t that I didn’t have it in me. I could see the potential in myself to achieve great things; I was (and still am) a jack of all trades but a master of none, or however that saying goes. However, after pushing and pushing my own dreams and never being fulfilled, I realized enough was enough.
I’ve always grown up in church. At a few weeks old I was being toted around a Sunday School class room by my grandmother as she taught the young children all the stories of Jesus with a song to match. God was a part of me, but it wasn’t until later that I realized how much I was a part of Him.
Years went by and I found myself torn between what I knew was right and what would make me happy. I perfected the good-girl image while concealing the rebellious worldly need to get my hands a little dirty every once in awhile. And it’s safe to say that even though that dirt has been washed off now, there are stains that will forever be there.
I was about 20 years old when I realized I was seriously tired of it all. The choices I was making seemed to backfire in my face and that chase to find happiness fell to chaotic pieces every time I pursued it. I was worn out. That’s when I decided that I was finished deciding. I was tired of being independent, tired of sticking up for myself, and tired of making all these big life decisions on my own. I was ready to rely on someone else. But who? Every man I trusted ended up hurting me. Friends I thought would last forever had abandoned me. Yet I had never stopped praying. I still went to church every Sunday. And even though I had broken every one of the 10 commandments, I still believed in Jesus.
This wasn’t the first time I found myself face down on the floor crying out to God, wondering where He was. He would pick me up every time, just long enough for me to regain my confidence and independence then strike out on my own yet again. When I say my own I’m talking about ME calling the shots, ME making the moves, and ME trying to figure out what will make me happiest in that exact moment in time. Know what I’m talking about? I was using God to regain my stability just long enough until my footing wasn’t as wobbly and I could take the first few baby steps again. And though He tried desperately to keep holding my hand, I shook Him off. “I got this.” I’d whisper to myself. But it wouldn’t be much longer until I had lost my footing again and I was back on my face crying and wondering why.
That’s when I realized that the choices I was trying to make in life were not up to me. God had complete control whether I liked it or not. During that time I also realized that the more I felt independent and the more I thought I could walk out on my own, the further I walked away from Him. I would be so confident that I wouldn’t realized that His presence was slowly slipping away behind me and when I called to Him, I could barely hear His voice. Yet still He remained close by. Like a lion stalking it’s pray, He sifted through the leaves, silent. And at times when I called for Him, He didn’t answer, not immediately at least. Either His voice was so distant and being disguised by other lurking voices or He just sat there in complete silence, listening to every word, but He was always there. Somewhere. He knew I would fall again and that I would always need Him.
I’ve always hated the saying, “God will never give you more than you can handle.” And a recent blog a friend posted on Facebook perfectly explained why that saying is so false. You see, God will ALWAYS give you more than you can handle because YOU are not the one who is supposed to be handling it. YOU are ultimately not the one to change circumstances, change people, or change your destiny... God is. And through my years of struggle and being tormented by the enemy telling me I had to carry all the weight on my shoulders alone, I finally realized the truth. As God was following me throughout my life, He waited with open arms for me to pass some of my heavy load to Him. His strength can carry ANYTHING I feel is too much and so much more. So really the saying should go, “God will never give you more than HE has the power to handle in your life.” He WANTS us to place our worries on his shoulders. He’s ready like a mother with Neosporin and a band-aid to pick up the child, the toppled over tricycle, and mend any wound that we may have. He longs for the days we will call out His name
So if we fail, it’s ok. We learn. And it also gives us an opportunity for God to do amazing work in our lives. Failing is an opportunity for us to draw closer to Him. It may be difficult, but don’t be discouraged, He wants to see you succeed. And the closer you are to Him the more evident His voice will be in response to your cries. Won’t you just let Him do His job?
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