Fear.

For so long when asked, “What is your biggest fear?” I could never come up with an answer.  I couldn’t think of one situation that even just the thought of made me break out in a cold sweat or made my stomach do flip flops. I was tough and proclaimed that with God on my side, I couldn’t fear a thing. 

Fear consumed me my first night in Uganda. I had been traveling for over 24 hours with only a few head nods of sleep here and there. I walked into the house in the middle of the night greeted with a welcoming committee of ten to fifteen kids. I missed these little faces, they hugged me, had my room neatly decorated with Welcome Back letters and made it feel like even though it had been over 5 years since being there, I didn’t miss a beat.

Just a few months before, I had so confidently made the decision to spend six months of my life back in the little town in Uganda. I left the day after my 25th birthday and was excited about taking this huge leap of faith that I had been praying about since the last time I was here. The Lords hand was in every step of the planning process. But as the days got closer to leave home, a knot in my stomach formed. With each step closer, even seeing God’s hand all over it, I was getting scared. 

My first night here, as I said goodnight to the children and shut the door to my room, that growing knot became overwhelming. I flopped on the bed and burst into tears. Was it too late to go home now? Is this really where I’m supposed to be? What if I’ve made a mistake?

Fear consumed me. I all of a sudden felt completely inadequate for the job and asked God why He was asking this of me. I wanted my family. I didn’t even know what my real purpose here was yet. Tears rolling down my face I went to my journal and Bible and prayed. 

It wasn’t until the next evening, while lying awake in bed, that God lead me to Psalm 91. Though the entire chapter is beautiful, three verses took my breathe away...

“Because [she] loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue [her]; I will protect [her]; for she acknowledges my name. [She] will call upon me and I will answer [her]; I will be with [her] in trouble, I will deliver [her] and honor [her]. With long life I will satisfy [her] and show [her] my salvation.”

A sudden peace fell over my heart. I felt God whisper, “Haley do you love me?” Yes, God. “Haley, do you acknowledge me?” Of course. “Ok then. I will rescue you. I will protect you. I will answer your call. I will be with you in trouble. I will deliver you and honor you. And I will satisfy you with long life and my salvation. Do you understand my beloved?” 

If I’m willing to love and trust my Lord, He is willing to do so much for me. What in the world would stop me from following Him and obeying His call on my life? How are those promises in Pslam 91 not the ultimate form of love from God? All of a sudden the fear that just moments ago was crippling my heart was making this heart of mine anxious with anticipation and excitement of the things God had in store for my life. 

I know these days are not going to be easy, but I have a God who has promised to be with me. His love for me will not change for me whether I cower in the corner or boldly put on the armor of God, but His promises will stand true when I do take those bold steps. So here is my life Lord, you have my full trust and love. Let me shine for you.